binge

so i just binged. it really really sucked. there were some good points to it too though. my mom was trying to tempt me with these chocolate peanut butter things, but i had resisted, so when i came home from Matt's at around 1, I thought i might as well get rid of them, so I put one in my mouth, chewed it up, spit it out, (ya, no cals!) and threw the rest of them after it, after which i covered it with tobasco sauce so i would most certainly not be tempted. i don't deserve such pleasure. so after i did that, that's when i started to eat.this is what the weak soul had:1 carrot with mustard - 21 cals4 (count em, 4!) pieces of white bread - 300 calsLettuce - 10 calsFat free mayo - 20 calsSo all in all I had around a 400 calorie binge. which, is, in fact, the most i've eaten in 5 days. yeah! matt didn't make me eat earlier today as i had feared he might, so i was quite relieved. now that i've told him about my ED, he gives me so much more space (eating wise). i love it. i guess it's cause i tell him that i have 1500 cals a day. i don't.so anyway, the upside to the binge was that my mum came out as i was munching on toast (yeah, seeing me eating is a good thing!) and glanced at the tray of goodies she had previously offered me. her eyes bugged out of her head as she saw all four LARGE treats vacant from the array of goodies. I can't lie to my parents...i love them too much. when she asked if i had eaten them (i could note a bit of pleasure in her voice, it reassures her to know that i'm eating, anything.) i simply sipped my water and innocently rolled my eyes heavenward, as if looking ashamed. and so, as the human mind so often does, she simply filled in the blanks and concluded that i had in fact stuffed my face with them.but wait. it gets better.so not only did she think i ate calorie dense food, but i also got out of the dilemma which had faced me tomorrow morning. she proposed that i meet them for their daily doughnut and coffee up at the donut shack tomorrow morning. i freaked. coffee...please...doughnut...ack! so now i have an excuse not to have to eat a doughnut...cause i "stuffed" my face with food last night...duh!YEAH!that makes me happy.i was over matt's tonight. i really hate being over there cause his parents always hover around and scare the shit out of us when we'd least expect it. say...around 1 in the morning.i got mucho freaked out, cause there i am...shirtless...just cuddling with my honey (it honestly was no more than this by that point, i was so cozy) when what footsteps should i hear tramping down the stairs...but his mom's.now we've dealt with this before, so i know i have about 15 seconds to find and don a shirt before i am unhappily surprised. i did so, rather unsuccessfully, given that the shirt was inside out and the tag readily apparent...but it was a shirt none the less. only for his mom to pause at the top of the basement stairs, wheel around and rumage (yeah, right) in the kitchen before going back upstairs. ugh.he tried guilt tripping me again tonight. i was royally pissed. he kept saying why don't you stay longer, you can sleep in my bed...that's bs and he knows it. i can't sleep in his bed. hell i can't even lie on a sofa in his own basement without his mom in constant readiness for springing upon us. then he acts like i just don't like him and that's why i'm leaving.whatever. i'm tired right now. i have food in my belly. how strange! now i can sleep without adrenaline rushing through my veins.