T...

Today I'm feeling quite good. I had trouble yesterday, I had around 500 cals in the morning, and I ate the wrong food, which in turn elevated my blood sugar, inducing terrible cravings. So mental note of not doing that again. I'm a big irregular right now, I'm considering taking some Metemucil because I really don't like thinking that I have waste inside of me that only contributes to added weight. yuck. So in place of metemucil I had 1/4 cup of nuts and grains, 3 carrots sticks, and some lettuce with light Italian dressing. I hope it wasn't too much, since today is supposed to be my "off" day anyway.Since there is no takeout tomorrow, I'll get a hoaggie tonight, have it with lettuce, my fat free Italian, and mustard. I'll put it in the fridge and save it for tomorrow.Hopefully I won't suffer from the terrible cravings I encountered last night. I binged and purged on 3 candy bars and a roll with lettuce. I felt so disgusting, I knew that had to be somewhere around 800 calories. Ugh. Knowing that those calories would have been in addition to the 500 I had earlier in the day just made me purge it up again. Today I'm doing well though. I think I'm going to fast this whole weekend so that I won't be tempted to gorge at my last two days working in the dining hall, I know it's really tempting, and I don't want that.I'm down to 142 this morning, minus liquids of course. I hope to be 143 at the end of today. They had green tea at the dining hall. I was mad psyched about that. I'm so psyched to be living off campus next semester, that way I can cook for myself! Yippee! No more of this sickening fattening dining hall food. It's not even that it's that terrible for you, but I don't know how it was prepared, what oils went in to it, if that's fat free may or not, those uncertainties really fuck with me. When I cook for myself, I can be innovative, add new spices, and I know exactly (give or take a few) how many calories are being ingested. That is a very comforting thought for me, and I think I will be able to control the emotional rollercoaster a bit better. I've also decided to trying Veganism for a while. I'm already vegetarian, and I might as well cut out meat and milk and eggs while I'm at it, they're only fattening. I was having trouble cutting out the sugar free jello, especially since I was the one who got it served in all of the dining halls...but then the thought again of all the disgusting animal skin, bone, and sinew used to produce the gelatin is enough to turn me away from it, and I lose all the regrets I had. Ah well, this entry is getting kind of long, sorry I haven't written in a while, but my food thing was just messing with me too damn much. Ok, well I'm out. Later

...

well i did okay on one onion ring today and 1/4 cup of a slurpee, so i'm good for today. not sure what i have planned for a meal for tomorrow. i guess food. something around 500 cals. i think i'm going to sneak out a hoggie from the dining hall before i leave for classes, stick it in the fridge and have it for dinner. yum! that sounds like a plan. hope it works out! ok i'm tired, and i don't want to think about food anymore. i need to learn to resist it instead of being enticed by it. later

Ok...

Ok, well I had the absolute worst headache humanity has ever experienced, so I had a dinner of 500 cals. I think I'll eat every other day 500 cals, and than do a three day fast before my boyfriend comes to pick me up next week. I really can't afford to do a detox fast right now because it just destroys my head...the toxins are just so intense. So, no more detox, I just have to load up on those chemicals...heeeheehee, cigs and coffee. No, just kidding. Well, okay, maybe not, but whatever. My emotions have been so crazy these past few days, it's unbelievable. So tomorrow is a total fast, not more than 20 calories I'm thinking...you know, diet coke and coffee and such. Then on Wednesday I'll have a meal, either takeout or an actual meal at the dining hall. That depends on what takeout is. Tonight I could have takeout because it was hoagies, so I took a sub and piled it high with lettuce (god I love that stuff), some onions, mustard (another ana staple, only 5 cals for 2 tablespoons) and some potato chips, I know I know, the last bit wasn't exactly healthy, but I was craving them, but not again, because in truth, they didn't make much of a difference on the sub, so I'll just leave them out next time. I also have some fat free italian dressing that's only 15 cals for 2 tablespoons, so I put a bit of that on too. Damn that sandwich was sooooo good. I could live off of that. So tomorrow it's nothing and then Wednesday food. Yeeehaw. Maybe I'll be down to 143 by the end of this week again. I'm at 145 right now...then again, after that sub, I'm sure I'm more, but whatever...I want some sleep now! g'night!

Started ...

Started a 12 day fast today. I'm really hardcore about this one too, not just something of, yeah, I'll do it and it just sorta happens. I'm serious about this one, if I'm not I know simply can't complete it. I cut out caffeine and nicotine, I know they can't help me at this point.They may suppress cravings, but I have to clean out my system right now instead of just mess it up even more. I'm on about 5 laxatives right now, it sucks, but it will get everything out. I'll follow up with 4 more in a few days just to make sure everything is gone. If someone reading this knows whether or not laxatives on a (relatively) empty colon is damaging, please post a comment or e-mail me at weakerthanu@gmx.net. Thank ya much. All right, well back to my studies and all...yeah fast!