OH ...

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKED UP BAD! I binged on some more popcorn and a cookie and 2 slices of bread, and now I'm 144/145 (it can't seem to decide). So as a punishment I'm going to fast tomorrow, and I'll run for 20 in the morning. I think the whole 20 minutes of running will become my daily exercise during the week with an hour walk being my weekend plan. I really don't want to work another weekend, I think I'm going to call and tell them that this weekend is my last, because I just can't stand working around food, it's terrible, it really messes me up. I need to be 138 by the end of this week, I really do. So I'll fast tomorrow and go to 500 calories on Tuesday, 300 Wednesday, 500 Thursday, 300 Friday, and so on. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT! I can't believe I screwed myself like this! ARGH! Ok, g'night now. I can't take this anymore.

UGH! Ri...

UGH! Right now I want so badly just to stuff my face. I hate this feeling, it's so difficult to overcome...right now I just need gain control over myself--paint my nails, wash my hair--do something tedious just to distract myself. I need to get my books in order for tomorrow anyway since I have those fun classes and all. ARGH!!!!!!! I WANT TO EAT SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT GOING TO FALL! Ok, I have to go busy myself now...g'night

S...

So far today isn't going too badly. When I got up this morning my weight was at 142!!!! I'm so excited! That was my goal for Monday night, and I'm already there. Granted, I'm sure that by the end of today I will be at 143 if not 144 because it's a high calorie day, I know that I can take it back down to 142 by tomorrow night. I'm going set a goal of 141 by Tuesday morning, and a goal of 138 by the end of this week, I know I can do it. That would mean at this rate I would be 134 by April 7th. I know I could easily plateau though, so I'm not going to be over zealous, I don't want to disappoint. My final goal is simply 135 by April 12th and I'm going to stick with that, if I can do more, than so be it. Ok, well I have to go cause I have a lot of homework to get done. Later! -weakerthanu

Well I'm ...

Well I'm not very happy right now. I'm still at 146. I have to get down to 135 by April 12th if it's the last thing I do, and I know that I can do this, I have the strength, both mental and physical.It's not the hunger that destroys, it is purely mental desire that messes with you the most in anorexia. the cravings. I find though, that the more I focus on the little details in my life--making my bed and cleaning up after myself and having everything organized, the more control I also have over my eating habits, not to mention that I spend more time on completing those tasks rather than thinking about food.I almost slipped up on my mentality, that of simply being able to tell myself that I don't want a piece of food and that I just am not hungry. But I'm back there now, and I'm determined, so that's all that matters. It'll take me about an hour to get to work, because I figure at some points I'm going to have to remove my skates so I can actually move and/or not get hit by traffic. Car drivers are the worst, I swear. When I worked as a bike courier, that was some mad dangerous stuff, I was almost always in the danger of traffic. Jerks.Oh well. I'm off to work on my web page now, the graphics are always what take the most time. I think I'm going to make this site entirely with layers.

147!!!! WHAT ...

147!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!Now I'm really depressed. I thought things were getting better. I'm guessing it was the soup that made me gain so much, mental note: don't do that again. I've going to stick with the following diet that's been working pretty damn well for me so far:2 cups sugarless jello (40 cals)1 cup rice krisipies (100 cals)1/2 cup rice (130 cals)1 Navel orange (60 cals)Total: 330That is what I plan for the low cal day, followed by a high calorie day which will include the following in addition to the low cal menu: Either: 2 rolls with margarine OR 2 cups of cereal OR 1 Sweet dessert OR 1 Small cup frozen yogurtI like to get some sort of indulgence in there on the high cal day. Ok, well I'm off to sleep I think I'm feeling a bit whacked out right now, and I've got work tomorrow.

Not one of my ...

Not one of my best days, I've ate an entire 790 calories today, I feel disgusting, I pray that I can hold out the rest of the day without breaking down and eating even more, I have to exercise control over this, and I know that I can - it's all mental.For some reason I got the biggest food craving earlier and just plain had to eat, so I had three cups of sugarless jell-o, a few tablespoons of pudding, a roll with butter, and a cup of cereal. Mentally I think I'm doing ok, I had to boost it for today anyway, I had been eating so little for the past few days that I needed one strong day, I felt so exhausted this morning, and I think it's because I had under 500 cals for the past couple of days. I will run my stairs tonight though, I believe that one needs some form of exercise everyday.Tomorrow I'll roller blade over to work (if the day is as beautiful as it was today anyway) so that will give me a good workout.I don't really like my work, especially since I work around food, but it's only a few hours a week, and I get some money out of it, and that's what matters. I really want to take the motorcycle course when I get home this summer.God, I am so excited about this summer, like you wouldn't believe. I'll be working with friends, in my own home, having a daily routine. I'm also excited about next year. I'm going to apply to Smith, I think my mom is right (as usual) I think I'd really enjoy that school, and I can't always do what Matt wants me to, I have a life too, and I want to go to school there, so be it. I think what I'll do is apply now, see if I can defer possibly, stay on one more semester, and if I like it, if things change, than I will stay, however, if they don't, I'll be sure that i have a start on courses at Smith and that I can make a transition much easier.Ok, well writing this out made me feel a lot better about things.If I just occupy myself for the rest of the evening, do my nails, clean up a bit, I should be fine.

I'm reall...

I'm really weak this morning. My eyes seem swollen, but I haven't purged at all. Well, they feel swollen, but they don't look it. I think I'm going to be napping for a good bit today, it might just be an off day today, and anyway, I'm working tomorrow and Sunday, so I should gather my strength for that. I want to quite that job but I do need some money at this point, I really want to get a bike. I should have taken up my parents on that when they offered...god I'm so stupid sometimes, maybe I can sweet talk my dad into paying for it...ugh, I really need a bike, especially without my car at this point. I would rather bike than take the bus or drive...oh well, I suppose I must wait.I think the worst part about being anorexic is that you have to keep up an appearance of being lively and full of energy, when inside you feel drained and empty. Well, I don't think I'm so much empty as I'm just plain tired, but thankfully, I only have one class today, so it's not too stressful.I need to stop by Rite Aid on the way back and get some conditioner and something else, but I can't remember what that was....hrmmm, my memory is so shot, I swear. Ok, well I'm off to class now...oh and btw, my morning weigh-in stand at:144Woohooo!

Time for ...

Time for some sleep now...I would say that I'm nice and tired. I've had my coffee and cigarettes for the day, not it's time to rest. I'm really happy about today and about what is going to happen in the future, I have a lot of confidence. I need to figure out what I want to eat tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to stick with the regimen I had today, or if I rather want to have one big indulgence that is 500 cals. I think that tomorrow I'll up it to 500 cals, I need to or else I won't lose weight as steadily as I am now. I hope that by tomorrow evening I will be 145. Well, g'night for now. Off to dreamland

I don't ev...

I don't even want to eat right now. I dropped another pound, I'm so elated like you wouldn't believe. I won't get my hopes up too much, because I know I'll probably hit a plateau sooner or later, but i really think I'll be able to hit 135 by April 12th, if not even more! I know that originally I said I wasn't going to actually weigh myself, but good lord, it's impossible to physically see a difference in weight loss just by looking in the mirror, that's why I want to lose much more than just 15 pounds, because I'm afraid I won't even be able to tell the difference. At any rate, the numbers are indeed pleasing me.I got another sms from him. It's such an abusive relationship, one second he is belittling me and making me feel like a terrible person, and the next he doting on me and telling me how much he loves me and that he's getting better.whatever.i'm out.

Why can'...

Why can't he just feel better, things get so frustrating at times. Will we survive? Will we work? I don't know...and I can never tell I suppose. At what point do you walk away? Can someone answer these questions. His distorted love is killing me. my soul is empty and i feel lostwhy do i crush boneswhy do i fall below sea levelwhy am i condemned to itwho is it to say wherewhenwhywhat makes it feel like i don't really matter anywayi suppose i don't in truthif ends never meetthan i will truly becomeonly the dust we trod uponslowly i rotthe vultures pick at my bonesi am only a dreamnightmareit's sorryit's sadis it reallyor is that the mask it wantedto rip open the soul of mycorpseto peer into a battered andshattered minddon't touch mei reek of deathdon't hear memy words ring hollowit has cold words for meit wants only to steal my warmthbut i have none to offeri am coldi am deadrust envelopes mei become earth