Go...

God, my boyfriend is such a fucking asshole. I know we're going to break up within a month, we are not working, I need to separate myself from him, no matter how lonely or depressed I get afterwards. I know I will because I've lost all my friends since I started dating him. I also have to post something about my eating today, but I'll do that later, right now I have ot head over to work. yippee. So, later then.

Ok, well today...

Ok, well today I came to a realization I have been stupidly denying, and that is the fact that I can't miraculously lose huge amounts of weight in a short amount of time, unless of course, I include exercise, which I hate.The problem with looking at weight perse is that it's very deceiving. If you're a difference of 7 pounds from one day to the next. that's not FAT you've lost. That's either water or waste or some other inexplicable reason. Maybe your scale just sucks, but that's now real weight! Maybe 1 pound of it is, (if you've been fasting and restricting and such).So anyway, when I would get on my scale and see two pounds difference from one day to the next I'd get all excited and actually think that was some sort of weight loss I could maintain. WrongFuck I'm stupid sometimes, I swear. I just didn't want to realize the fact that a pound is a pound is 3500 calores. So I worked out a more realistic view of how long it's going to take me to get down to 130. I need this so that I don't resort ot petty dependency on my emotions and then to binging/purging. That's so stupid. I don't want to destroy myself, just contine losing weight. So anyway, here's the deal.I, being 6'2" expend around 1800-2000 calories a day (and if it's more, than so be it, but I'm going to stick with this figure). I lower it a bit more to 1750 because that's a good number to choose and work with . 1750 is half a pound. So if I restrict to 500 calories a day (which is so pathetically easy it makes me laugh), then I will lose the 13 pounds I need to lose in 30 days. So that puts me at around May 6th, just in time for the end of the semester and the beginning of the summer (bathing suits!) to be slimmer. I haven't eaten yet today. Well, I had a glass of metamucil because I need some friggin regularity. I would just not spend the 11 dollars needed for some stupid Psyllium hulks (metamucil) to "bulken" up my diet, but I cross-checked with "real" soluble fiber, things like barly, oatmeal, rice, soy, and wheat, and pease mind you...and I can't get the same amount of dietary fiber out of those (in ratio to their calorie content). Metamucil is 3 grams fiber to 45 calories. I someone knows of a better ratio obtainable in normal foods, please email me at weakerthanu@gmx.net Anyway, I'm off to do some work now, and I have a realistic view point on my weight loss so I know my emotions will be much more in check from now on. I'm out

Ok, ...

Ok, well I'm kind of sort of pissed because I'm at 144 right now, and I was 143 yesterday, despite the fact that I ate a lot more yesterday. I'm not having any bowel movements either, so I know that weight is there, but still I feel fat. I'm going to fast this weekend, and it will be good for me especially since I'm working, so I know the temptation of food will have cut off. I have to get into this fucking ana mentality all the way. I keep having it for the blink of an eye. Where I just hate food no matter how "hungry" I am. Now food is still attractive to me. Tonight I had a sub with lettuce and mustard (500 cals), and I had the bowl of nuts and seeds earlier. So I had a lot cals today. I'm going to fast this weekend though. That's what I like the most about fasting, is there are no concessions to make. When I allow myself food I always try to rationalize it in my mind, like earlier I allowed myself the seeds because I wanted fiber so I could have a bowel movement, but I disregarded the calories in there. Big mistake. With the sub, well, that was supposed to be my food for tomorrow, and I just had a little of it to appease those around me, and then when I put in the fridge I had a craving to eat the rest of it, so I did. I felt terrible after that. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my weight. Why can't I just lose weight?!?!?!?!My boyfriend had a good suggestion against binges tonight though, that of going to bed earlier, which is actually a really good idea. I had gotten into that habit a few weeks ago and then I got back into the habit of procrastinating and that all went to hell again.So tomorrow I'll make a conscious effort to get to bed early, and I will not go to brunch, because I know that if I do I'll just end up binging/purging, and I don't want that. What triggers the binges a lot of the time are just times of boredom, when I have nothing better to do, and my mind just drifts to food. Or I'll be planning out what I can and can't eat, and just seeing recipes and all that makes my mouth water. I have to learn that food is sick and disgusting, not something of temptation. I have to learn to hate it. Hopefully also the vegan outlook will help out a bit...no icecream for me!!! Woohoo! I'll just think of poor fat cows with swollen udders and then I know I won't be able to have dairy stuff like cheese and cream. I know this fast is going to be hard, but I'm going to break myself with this one, I am going to force myself to hate food.I think I'm going to have some frequent updates over the next few days.

T...

Today I'm feeling quite good. I had trouble yesterday, I had around 500 cals in the morning, and I ate the wrong food, which in turn elevated my blood sugar, inducing terrible cravings. So mental note of not doing that again. I'm a big irregular right now, I'm considering taking some Metemucil because I really don't like thinking that I have waste inside of me that only contributes to added weight. yuck. So in place of metemucil I had 1/4 cup of nuts and grains, 3 carrots sticks, and some lettuce with light Italian dressing. I hope it wasn't too much, since today is supposed to be my "off" day anyway.Since there is no takeout tomorrow, I'll get a hoaggie tonight, have it with lettuce, my fat free Italian, and mustard. I'll put it in the fridge and save it for tomorrow.Hopefully I won't suffer from the terrible cravings I encountered last night. I binged and purged on 3 candy bars and a roll with lettuce. I felt so disgusting, I knew that had to be somewhere around 800 calories. Ugh. Knowing that those calories would have been in addition to the 500 I had earlier in the day just made me purge it up again. Today I'm doing well though. I think I'm going to fast this whole weekend so that I won't be tempted to gorge at my last two days working in the dining hall, I know it's really tempting, and I don't want that.I'm down to 142 this morning, minus liquids of course. I hope to be 143 at the end of today. They had green tea at the dining hall. I was mad psyched about that. I'm so psyched to be living off campus next semester, that way I can cook for myself! Yippee! No more of this sickening fattening dining hall food. It's not even that it's that terrible for you, but I don't know how it was prepared, what oils went in to it, if that's fat free may or not, those uncertainties really fuck with me. When I cook for myself, I can be innovative, add new spices, and I know exactly (give or take a few) how many calories are being ingested. That is a very comforting thought for me, and I think I will be able to control the emotional rollercoaster a bit better. I've also decided to trying Veganism for a while. I'm already vegetarian, and I might as well cut out meat and milk and eggs while I'm at it, they're only fattening. I was having trouble cutting out the sugar free jello, especially since I was the one who got it served in all of the dining halls...but then the thought again of all the disgusting animal skin, bone, and sinew used to produce the gelatin is enough to turn me away from it, and I lose all the regrets I had. Ah well, this entry is getting kind of long, sorry I haven't written in a while, but my food thing was just messing with me too damn much. Ok, well I'm out. Later

...

well i did okay on one onion ring today and 1/4 cup of a slurpee, so i'm good for today. not sure what i have planned for a meal for tomorrow. i guess food. something around 500 cals. i think i'm going to sneak out a hoggie from the dining hall before i leave for classes, stick it in the fridge and have it for dinner. yum! that sounds like a plan. hope it works out! ok i'm tired, and i don't want to think about food anymore. i need to learn to resist it instead of being enticed by it. later

Ok...

Ok, well I had the absolute worst headache humanity has ever experienced, so I had a dinner of 500 cals. I think I'll eat every other day 500 cals, and than do a three day fast before my boyfriend comes to pick me up next week. I really can't afford to do a detox fast right now because it just destroys my head...the toxins are just so intense. So, no more detox, I just have to load up on those chemicals...heeeheehee, cigs and coffee. No, just kidding. Well, okay, maybe not, but whatever. My emotions have been so crazy these past few days, it's unbelievable. So tomorrow is a total fast, not more than 20 calories I'm thinking...you know, diet coke and coffee and such. Then on Wednesday I'll have a meal, either takeout or an actual meal at the dining hall. That depends on what takeout is. Tonight I could have takeout because it was hoagies, so I took a sub and piled it high with lettuce (god I love that stuff), some onions, mustard (another ana staple, only 5 cals for 2 tablespoons) and some potato chips, I know I know, the last bit wasn't exactly healthy, but I was craving them, but not again, because in truth, they didn't make much of a difference on the sub, so I'll just leave them out next time. I also have some fat free italian dressing that's only 15 cals for 2 tablespoons, so I put a bit of that on too. Damn that sandwich was sooooo good. I could live off of that. So tomorrow it's nothing and then Wednesday food. Yeeehaw. Maybe I'll be down to 143 by the end of this week again. I'm at 145 right now...then again, after that sub, I'm sure I'm more, but whatever...I want some sleep now! g'night!

Started ...

Started a 12 day fast today. I'm really hardcore about this one too, not just something of, yeah, I'll do it and it just sorta happens. I'm serious about this one, if I'm not I know simply can't complete it. I cut out caffeine and nicotine, I know they can't help me at this point.They may suppress cravings, but I have to clean out my system right now instead of just mess it up even more. I'm on about 5 laxatives right now, it sucks, but it will get everything out. I'll follow up with 4 more in a few days just to make sure everything is gone. If someone reading this knows whether or not laxatives on a (relatively) empty colon is damaging, please post a comment or e-mail me at weakerthanu@gmx.net. Thank ya much. All right, well back to my studies and all...yeah fast!