Ok, well today...

Ok, well today I came to a realization I have been stupidly denying, and that is the fact that I can't miraculously lose huge amounts of weight in a short amount of time, unless of course, I include exercise, which I hate.The problem with looking at weight perse is that it's very deceiving. If you're a difference of 7 pounds from one day to the next. that's not FAT you've lost. That's either water or waste or some other inexplicable reason. Maybe your scale just sucks, but that's now real weight! Maybe 1 pound of it is, (if you've been fasting and restricting and such).So anyway, when I would get on my scale and see two pounds difference from one day to the next I'd get all excited and actually think that was some sort of weight loss I could maintain. WrongFuck I'm stupid sometimes, I swear. I just didn't want to realize the fact that a pound is a pound is 3500 calores. So I worked out a more realistic view of how long it's going to take me to get down to 130. I need this so that I don't resort ot petty dependency on my emotions and then to binging/purging. That's so stupid. I don't want to destroy myself, just contine losing weight. So anyway, here's the deal.I, being 6'2" expend around 1800-2000 calories a day (and if it's more, than so be it, but I'm going to stick with this figure). I lower it a bit more to 1750 because that's a good number to choose and work with . 1750 is half a pound. So if I restrict to 500 calories a day (which is so pathetically easy it makes me laugh), then I will lose the 13 pounds I need to lose in 30 days. So that puts me at around May 6th, just in time for the end of the semester and the beginning of the summer (bathing suits!) to be slimmer. I haven't eaten yet today. Well, I had a glass of metamucil because I need some friggin regularity. I would just not spend the 11 dollars needed for some stupid Psyllium hulks (metamucil) to "bulken" up my diet, but I cross-checked with "real" soluble fiber, things like barly, oatmeal, rice, soy, and wheat, and pease mind you...and I can't get the same amount of dietary fiber out of those (in ratio to their calorie content). Metamucil is 3 grams fiber to 45 calories. I someone knows of a better ratio obtainable in normal foods, please email me at weakerthanu@gmx.net Anyway, I'm off to do some work now, and I have a realistic view point on my weight loss so I know my emotions will be much more in check from now on. I'm out

Ok, ...

Ok, well I'm kind of sort of pissed because I'm at 144 right now, and I was 143 yesterday, despite the fact that I ate a lot more yesterday. I'm not having any bowel movements either, so I know that weight is there, but still I feel fat. I'm going to fast this weekend, and it will be good for me especially since I'm working, so I know the temptation of food will have cut off. I have to get into this fucking ana mentality all the way. I keep having it for the blink of an eye. Where I just hate food no matter how "hungry" I am. Now food is still attractive to me. Tonight I had a sub with lettuce and mustard (500 cals), and I had the bowl of nuts and seeds earlier. So I had a lot cals today. I'm going to fast this weekend though. That's what I like the most about fasting, is there are no concessions to make. When I allow myself food I always try to rationalize it in my mind, like earlier I allowed myself the seeds because I wanted fiber so I could have a bowel movement, but I disregarded the calories in there. Big mistake. With the sub, well, that was supposed to be my food for tomorrow, and I just had a little of it to appease those around me, and then when I put in the fridge I had a craving to eat the rest of it, so I did. I felt terrible after that. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my weight. Why can't I just lose weight?!?!?!?!My boyfriend had a good suggestion against binges tonight though, that of going to bed earlier, which is actually a really good idea. I had gotten into that habit a few weeks ago and then I got back into the habit of procrastinating and that all went to hell again.So tomorrow I'll make a conscious effort to get to bed early, and I will not go to brunch, because I know that if I do I'll just end up binging/purging, and I don't want that. What triggers the binges a lot of the time are just times of boredom, when I have nothing better to do, and my mind just drifts to food. Or I'll be planning out what I can and can't eat, and just seeing recipes and all that makes my mouth water. I have to learn that food is sick and disgusting, not something of temptation. I have to learn to hate it. Hopefully also the vegan outlook will help out a bit...no icecream for me!!! Woohoo! I'll just think of poor fat cows with swollen udders and then I know I won't be able to have dairy stuff like cheese and cream. I know this fast is going to be hard, but I'm going to break myself with this one, I am going to force myself to hate food.I think I'm going to have some frequent updates over the next few days.

T...

Today I'm feeling quite good. I had trouble yesterday, I had around 500 cals in the morning, and I ate the wrong food, which in turn elevated my blood sugar, inducing terrible cravings. So mental note of not doing that again. I'm a big irregular right now, I'm considering taking some Metemucil because I really don't like thinking that I have waste inside of me that only contributes to added weight. yuck. So in place of metemucil I had 1/4 cup of nuts and grains, 3 carrots sticks, and some lettuce with light Italian dressing. I hope it wasn't too much, since today is supposed to be my "off" day anyway.Since there is no takeout tomorrow, I'll get a hoaggie tonight, have it with lettuce, my fat free Italian, and mustard. I'll put it in the fridge and save it for tomorrow.Hopefully I won't suffer from the terrible cravings I encountered last night. I binged and purged on 3 candy bars and a roll with lettuce. I felt so disgusting, I knew that had to be somewhere around 800 calories. Ugh. Knowing that those calories would have been in addition to the 500 I had earlier in the day just made me purge it up again. Today I'm doing well though. I think I'm going to fast this whole weekend so that I won't be tempted to gorge at my last two days working in the dining hall, I know it's really tempting, and I don't want that.I'm down to 142 this morning, minus liquids of course. I hope to be 143 at the end of today. They had green tea at the dining hall. I was mad psyched about that. I'm so psyched to be living off campus next semester, that way I can cook for myself! Yippee! No more of this sickening fattening dining hall food. It's not even that it's that terrible for you, but I don't know how it was prepared, what oils went in to it, if that's fat free may or not, those uncertainties really fuck with me. When I cook for myself, I can be innovative, add new spices, and I know exactly (give or take a few) how many calories are being ingested. That is a very comforting thought for me, and I think I will be able to control the emotional rollercoaster a bit better. I've also decided to trying Veganism for a while. I'm already vegetarian, and I might as well cut out meat and milk and eggs while I'm at it, they're only fattening. I was having trouble cutting out the sugar free jello, especially since I was the one who got it served in all of the dining halls...but then the thought again of all the disgusting animal skin, bone, and sinew used to produce the gelatin is enough to turn me away from it, and I lose all the regrets I had. Ah well, this entry is getting kind of long, sorry I haven't written in a while, but my food thing was just messing with me too damn much. Ok, well I'm out. Later

...

well i did okay on one onion ring today and 1/4 cup of a slurpee, so i'm good for today. not sure what i have planned for a meal for tomorrow. i guess food. something around 500 cals. i think i'm going to sneak out a hoggie from the dining hall before i leave for classes, stick it in the fridge and have it for dinner. yum! that sounds like a plan. hope it works out! ok i'm tired, and i don't want to think about food anymore. i need to learn to resist it instead of being enticed by it. later

Ok...

Ok, well I had the absolute worst headache humanity has ever experienced, so I had a dinner of 500 cals. I think I'll eat every other day 500 cals, and than do a three day fast before my boyfriend comes to pick me up next week. I really can't afford to do a detox fast right now because it just destroys my head...the toxins are just so intense. So, no more detox, I just have to load up on those chemicals...heeeheehee, cigs and coffee. No, just kidding. Well, okay, maybe not, but whatever. My emotions have been so crazy these past few days, it's unbelievable. So tomorrow is a total fast, not more than 20 calories I'm thinking...you know, diet coke and coffee and such. Then on Wednesday I'll have a meal, either takeout or an actual meal at the dining hall. That depends on what takeout is. Tonight I could have takeout because it was hoagies, so I took a sub and piled it high with lettuce (god I love that stuff), some onions, mustard (another ana staple, only 5 cals for 2 tablespoons) and some potato chips, I know I know, the last bit wasn't exactly healthy, but I was craving them, but not again, because in truth, they didn't make much of a difference on the sub, so I'll just leave them out next time. I also have some fat free italian dressing that's only 15 cals for 2 tablespoons, so I put a bit of that on too. Damn that sandwich was sooooo good. I could live off of that. So tomorrow it's nothing and then Wednesday food. Yeeehaw. Maybe I'll be down to 143 by the end of this week again. I'm at 145 right now...then again, after that sub, I'm sure I'm more, but whatever...I want some sleep now! g'night!

Started ...

Started a 12 day fast today. I'm really hardcore about this one too, not just something of, yeah, I'll do it and it just sorta happens. I'm serious about this one, if I'm not I know simply can't complete it. I cut out caffeine and nicotine, I know they can't help me at this point.They may suppress cravings, but I have to clean out my system right now instead of just mess it up even more. I'm on about 5 laxatives right now, it sucks, but it will get everything out. I'll follow up with 4 more in a few days just to make sure everything is gone. If someone reading this knows whether or not laxatives on a (relatively) empty colon is damaging, please post a comment or e-mail me at weakerthanu@gmx.net. Thank ya much. All right, well back to my studies and all...yeah fast!

Well I had...

Well I had my daily binge/purge. I feel short of breath but at least I'm satiated. I don't quite know how I should go about this now. Should I restrict or should I binge/purge. I think what I'm going to end up doing is b/p on the weekends and on m, t, w, when I don't have a lot of time to sit around and think about food as it just restrict on those days. I have such a strong abhorrence to exercise though. I really don't want to make that part of what I'm doing, so that's why I'm going to stick to the restrict thing, because if I b/p everyday I'll probably consume somewhere between 600-1000 calories, and it messes with my emotions anyway. I am in the best fucking mood you can ever imagine right now. I'm so psyched that I'm going to go to school in Australia. I feel terrible that I can't tell my boyfriend, but I know that he'd just pull me down now, and I can't take that, I need to at least finish school before he pulls me down. It's going to be really hard on both of us, that's the part that he doesn't realize. I'm still so fucking excited though. Australia. Jeeez. There I'll probably have some friggin motivation to exercise...bathing suits, warm weather...good lord, I'm nutz. True, I'll be far away from home, but everyone will be, and it will be easier to deal with it that way. I did fine in Germany, and I know I'll be all right there too. Like my brother said, there's a time when everyone has to leave home, and this is my time. I'm far to dependent on what my parents think of me, and running to them for comfort when I feel that I fuck up, not to mention that my Dad depresses me because he doesn't mean to, but sometimes he makes me feel like my life is leading into a brick wall, like I'm doing nothing with it. Oh well, whatever the case. I'm so fucking psyched. Weeehaw!-weakerthanu

I got so pisse...

I got so pissed off when out of no where I gained 7 pounds in one day that I just cut everything out, all the different meal plans and went back to one meal a day, it's the only way I can truly regulate what I'm eating. So right now I'm doing three tablespoons of rice a day, and I'll continue to do that for 2 weeks until I have my body regulated.After that I'll probably increase the caloric intake to somewhere between 300-500 calories a day.I took some drastic measures in that I destroyed my meal card, so that's not even an option at this point. I would have done so earlier, but my meal card is also my student ID card, so I was always wondering what I'd so, I couldn't cut it...so I finally just destroyed the bar on the back that they always scanned before I would go eat, so I can still use the card to identify myself, just not to eat. Bonus!I also put away my scale because it was causing such terrible mood swings based entirely on a pound. I couldn't handle that, you know? So I just put it away in a hard to reach spot that I know I'm too lazy to always uncover. Anyway, I'm busying myself today with college research, as I'm looking to transfer my ass outta here soon, I hate it. Later.

W...

Well, this is it. I'm starting a fast. I have no other choice at this point. I'm going to stave myself until I am 130, and/or have a 25 inch waist line. I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster. I'm out for now, and I'm verrrrry pissed off.

Ok, well yes...

Ok, well yesterday I fucked up...binged and purged, I was just freaking out because my weight had not dropped, despite fasting. I have a feeling though, that fasting is not the key here, rather, restricting and exercising daily is the trick. I ran this morning and (magically) dropped 2 pounds.I think my scale is a lunatic. Oh well.Today I'm going to a vegan potluck tonight, and I think what I'll do is allow myself 100 calories for that, so I can nibble on random things without anyone noticing. I pray that they don't force me to eat, they can't. They can only make me eat by manipulating my emotions, and I refuse to let them! All right, off to class...I'm late. Adios.

So...

Sooooo...yesterday totally SUCKED MY ASS...but today we're on recovery...I've mapped out the plan and reset the goal, which is now 130 by April 12th. Here it goesMarch 26th - 142 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEMarch 27th - 142 Pounds 500 (Laxative)March 28th - 141 Pounds 300March 29th - 141 Pounds 500March 30th - 140 Pounds 300March 31st - 139 Pounds 500April 1st - 138 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 2nd - 137 Pounds 500 April 3rd - 137 Pounds *Fast* (Laxative)April 4th - 136 Pounds 300 April 5th - 135 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 6th - 134 Pounds 500 April 7th - 134 Pounds 300 April 8th - 134 Pounds 1000April 9th - 133 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 10th - 132 Pounds 500 (Laxative) April 11th - 131 Pounds 300 April 12th - 130 Pounds *Fast* FINAL GOALOkay, so there's the lineup...the weights charted in between are merely guidelines, so I can figure about where I will be at. I don't know if this is totally possible, since usually you lose one pound per day only if you fast, but we'll see how this goes. Yeeehawwww

Only...

Only 2 pounds to lose today - I can do this, I HAVE to do this. I'm still at 144, and feeling worse than ever. I'm gladly going to fast today, hope I don't fall asleep in Enviro Policy--I tend to do that quite easily when I'm tired. Ahhhhhh, good coffee. I'll drink my to liters of fluids and a few cups of coffee and tea today, than I'll be set. I don't want to over hydrate my body (yes it's possible). I'm debating whether or not I should weigh myself tonight.Ok, let me think, if I do, and I'm 144, I will totally freak and by the end of the day depression sets in if my weight doesn't go down, so I'll just turn to more food, and I know that Kyle would readily supply food, even if it's after take-out has closed. Argh, I hate nice friends (kidding). So ok, I'm going to decide right here and now--NO WEIGH IN TONIGHT! I will weigh in tomorrow night with a goal of 141 pounds, I know that this is possible. As for exercise tonight, I'll do some crazy stair running, because it snowed outside.Later--

OH ...

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKED UP BAD! I binged on some more popcorn and a cookie and 2 slices of bread, and now I'm 144/145 (it can't seem to decide). So as a punishment I'm going to fast tomorrow, and I'll run for 20 in the morning. I think the whole 20 minutes of running will become my daily exercise during the week with an hour walk being my weekend plan. I really don't want to work another weekend, I think I'm going to call and tell them that this weekend is my last, because I just can't stand working around food, it's terrible, it really messes me up. I need to be 138 by the end of this week, I really do. So I'll fast tomorrow and go to 500 calories on Tuesday, 300 Wednesday, 500 Thursday, 300 Friday, and so on. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT! I can't believe I screwed myself like this! ARGH! Ok, g'night now. I can't take this anymore.

UGH! Ri...

UGH! Right now I want so badly just to stuff my face. I hate this feeling, it's so difficult to overcome...right now I just need gain control over myself--paint my nails, wash my hair--do something tedious just to distract myself. I need to get my books in order for tomorrow anyway since I have those fun classes and all. ARGH!!!!!!! I WANT TO EAT SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT GOING TO FALL! Ok, I have to go busy myself now...g'night

S...

So far today isn't going too badly. When I got up this morning my weight was at 142!!!! I'm so excited! That was my goal for Monday night, and I'm already there. Granted, I'm sure that by the end of today I will be at 143 if not 144 because it's a high calorie day, I know that I can take it back down to 142 by tomorrow night. I'm going set a goal of 141 by Tuesday morning, and a goal of 138 by the end of this week, I know I can do it. That would mean at this rate I would be 134 by April 7th. I know I could easily plateau though, so I'm not going to be over zealous, I don't want to disappoint. My final goal is simply 135 by April 12th and I'm going to stick with that, if I can do more, than so be it. Ok, well I have to go cause I have a lot of homework to get done. Later! -weakerthanu

Well I'm ...

Well I'm not very happy right now. I'm still at 146. I have to get down to 135 by April 12th if it's the last thing I do, and I know that I can do this, I have the strength, both mental and physical.It's not the hunger that destroys, it is purely mental desire that messes with you the most in anorexia. the cravings. I find though, that the more I focus on the little details in my life--making my bed and cleaning up after myself and having everything organized, the more control I also have over my eating habits, not to mention that I spend more time on completing those tasks rather than thinking about food.I almost slipped up on my mentality, that of simply being able to tell myself that I don't want a piece of food and that I just am not hungry. But I'm back there now, and I'm determined, so that's all that matters. It'll take me about an hour to get to work, because I figure at some points I'm going to have to remove my skates so I can actually move and/or not get hit by traffic. Car drivers are the worst, I swear. When I worked as a bike courier, that was some mad dangerous stuff, I was almost always in the danger of traffic. Jerks.Oh well. I'm off to work on my web page now, the graphics are always what take the most time. I think I'm going to make this site entirely with layers.

147!!!! WHAT ...

147!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!Now I'm really depressed. I thought things were getting better. I'm guessing it was the soup that made me gain so much, mental note: don't do that again. I've going to stick with the following diet that's been working pretty damn well for me so far:2 cups sugarless jello (40 cals)1 cup rice krisipies (100 cals)1/2 cup rice (130 cals)1 Navel orange (60 cals)Total: 330That is what I plan for the low cal day, followed by a high calorie day which will include the following in addition to the low cal menu: Either: 2 rolls with margarine OR 2 cups of cereal OR 1 Sweet dessert OR 1 Small cup frozen yogurtI like to get some sort of indulgence in there on the high cal day. Ok, well I'm off to sleep I think I'm feeling a bit whacked out right now, and I've got work tomorrow.

Not one of my ...

Not one of my best days, I've ate an entire 790 calories today, I feel disgusting, I pray that I can hold out the rest of the day without breaking down and eating even more, I have to exercise control over this, and I know that I can - it's all mental.For some reason I got the biggest food craving earlier and just plain had to eat, so I had three cups of sugarless jell-o, a few tablespoons of pudding, a roll with butter, and a cup of cereal. Mentally I think I'm doing ok, I had to boost it for today anyway, I had been eating so little for the past few days that I needed one strong day, I felt so exhausted this morning, and I think it's because I had under 500 cals for the past couple of days. I will run my stairs tonight though, I believe that one needs some form of exercise everyday.Tomorrow I'll roller blade over to work (if the day is as beautiful as it was today anyway) so that will give me a good workout.I don't really like my work, especially since I work around food, but it's only a few hours a week, and I get some money out of it, and that's what matters. I really want to take the motorcycle course when I get home this summer.God, I am so excited about this summer, like you wouldn't believe. I'll be working with friends, in my own home, having a daily routine. I'm also excited about next year. I'm going to apply to Smith, I think my mom is right (as usual) I think I'd really enjoy that school, and I can't always do what Matt wants me to, I have a life too, and I want to go to school there, so be it. I think what I'll do is apply now, see if I can defer possibly, stay on one more semester, and if I like it, if things change, than I will stay, however, if they don't, I'll be sure that i have a start on courses at Smith and that I can make a transition much easier.Ok, well writing this out made me feel a lot better about things.If I just occupy myself for the rest of the evening, do my nails, clean up a bit, I should be fine.

I'm reall...

I'm really weak this morning. My eyes seem swollen, but I haven't purged at all. Well, they feel swollen, but they don't look it. I think I'm going to be napping for a good bit today, it might just be an off day today, and anyway, I'm working tomorrow and Sunday, so I should gather my strength for that. I want to quite that job but I do need some money at this point, I really want to get a bike. I should have taken up my parents on that when they offered...god I'm so stupid sometimes, maybe I can sweet talk my dad into paying for it...ugh, I really need a bike, especially without my car at this point. I would rather bike than take the bus or drive...oh well, I suppose I must wait.I think the worst part about being anorexic is that you have to keep up an appearance of being lively and full of energy, when inside you feel drained and empty. Well, I don't think I'm so much empty as I'm just plain tired, but thankfully, I only have one class today, so it's not too stressful.I need to stop by Rite Aid on the way back and get some conditioner and something else, but I can't remember what that was....hrmmm, my memory is so shot, I swear. Ok, well I'm off to class now...oh and btw, my morning weigh-in stand at:144Woohooo!

Time for ...

Time for some sleep now...I would say that I'm nice and tired. I've had my coffee and cigarettes for the day, not it's time to rest. I'm really happy about today and about what is going to happen in the future, I have a lot of confidence. I need to figure out what I want to eat tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to stick with the regimen I had today, or if I rather want to have one big indulgence that is 500 cals. I think that tomorrow I'll up it to 500 cals, I need to or else I won't lose weight as steadily as I am now. I hope that by tomorrow evening I will be 145. Well, g'night for now. Off to dreamland

I don't ev...

I don't even want to eat right now. I dropped another pound, I'm so elated like you wouldn't believe. I won't get my hopes up too much, because I know I'll probably hit a plateau sooner or later, but i really think I'll be able to hit 135 by April 12th, if not even more! I know that originally I said I wasn't going to actually weigh myself, but good lord, it's impossible to physically see a difference in weight loss just by looking in the mirror, that's why I want to lose much more than just 15 pounds, because I'm afraid I won't even be able to tell the difference. At any rate, the numbers are indeed pleasing me.I got another sms from him. It's such an abusive relationship, one second he is belittling me and making me feel like a terrible person, and the next he doting on me and telling me how much he loves me and that he's getting better.whatever.i'm out.

Why can'...

Why can't he just feel better, things get so frustrating at times. Will we survive? Will we work? I don't know...and I can never tell I suppose. At what point do you walk away? Can someone answer these questions. His distorted love is killing me. my soul is empty and i feel lostwhy do i crush boneswhy do i fall below sea levelwhy am i condemned to itwho is it to say wherewhenwhywhat makes it feel like i don't really matter anywayi suppose i don't in truthif ends never meetthan i will truly becomeonly the dust we trod uponslowly i rotthe vultures pick at my bonesi am only a dreamnightmareit's sorryit's sadis it reallyor is that the mask it wantedto rip open the soul of mycorpseto peer into a battered andshattered minddon't touch mei reek of deathdon't hear memy words ring hollowit has cold words for meit wants only to steal my warmthbut i have none to offeri am coldi am deadrust envelopes mei become earth

binge

so i just binged. it really really sucked. there were some good points to it too though. my mom was trying to tempt me with these chocolate peanut butter things, but i had resisted, so when i came home from Matt's at around 1, I thought i might as well get rid of them, so I put one in my mouth, chewed it up, spit it out, (ya, no cals!) and threw the rest of them after it, after which i covered it with tobasco sauce so i would most certainly not be tempted. i don't deserve such pleasure. so after i did that, that's when i started to eat.this is what the weak soul had:1 carrot with mustard - 21 cals4 (count em, 4!) pieces of white bread - 300 calsLettuce - 10 calsFat free mayo - 20 calsSo all in all I had around a 400 calorie binge. which, is, in fact, the most i've eaten in 5 days. yeah! matt didn't make me eat earlier today as i had feared he might, so i was quite relieved. now that i've told him about my ED, he gives me so much more space (eating wise). i love it. i guess it's cause i tell him that i have 1500 cals a day. i don't.so anyway, the upside to the binge was that my mum came out as i was munching on toast (yeah, seeing me eating is a good thing!) and glanced at the tray of goodies she had previously offered me. her eyes bugged out of her head as she saw all four LARGE treats vacant from the array of goodies. I can't lie to my parents...i love them too much. when she asked if i had eaten them (i could note a bit of pleasure in her voice, it reassures her to know that i'm eating, anything.) i simply sipped my water and innocently rolled my eyes heavenward, as if looking ashamed. and so, as the human mind so often does, she simply filled in the blanks and concluded that i had in fact stuffed my face with them.but wait. it gets better.so not only did she think i ate calorie dense food, but i also got out of the dilemma which had faced me tomorrow morning. she proposed that i meet them for their daily doughnut and coffee up at the donut shack tomorrow morning. i freaked. coffee...please...doughnut...ack! so now i have an excuse not to have to eat a doughnut...cause i "stuffed" my face with food last night...duh!YEAH!that makes me happy.i was over matt's tonight. i really hate being over there cause his parents always hover around and scare the shit out of us when we'd least expect it. say...around 1 in the morning.i got mucho freaked out, cause there i am...shirtless...just cuddling with my honey (it honestly was no more than this by that point, i was so cozy) when what footsteps should i hear tramping down the stairs...but his mom's.now we've dealt with this before, so i know i have about 15 seconds to find and don a shirt before i am unhappily surprised. i did so, rather unsuccessfully, given that the shirt was inside out and the tag readily apparent...but it was a shirt none the less. only for his mom to pause at the top of the basement stairs, wheel around and rumage (yeah, right) in the kitchen before going back upstairs. ugh.he tried guilt tripping me again tonight. i was royally pissed. he kept saying why don't you stay longer, you can sleep in my bed...that's bs and he knows it. i can't sleep in his bed. hell i can't even lie on a sofa in his own basement without his mom in constant readiness for springing upon us. then he acts like i just don't like him and that's why i'm leaving.whatever. i'm tired right now. i have food in my belly. how strange! now i can sleep without adrenaline rushing through my veins.