Well I had...

Well I had my daily binge/purge. I feel short of breath but at least I'm satiated. I don't quite know how I should go about this now. Should I restrict or should I binge/purge. I think what I'm going to end up doing is b/p on the weekends and on m, t, w, when I don't have a lot of time to sit around and think about food as it just restrict on those days. I have such a strong abhorrence to exercise though. I really don't want to make that part of what I'm doing, so that's why I'm going to stick to the restrict thing, because if I b/p everyday I'll probably consume somewhere between 600-1000 calories, and it messes with my emotions anyway. I am in the best fucking mood you can ever imagine right now. I'm so psyched that I'm going to go to school in Australia. I feel terrible that I can't tell my boyfriend, but I know that he'd just pull me down now, and I can't take that, I need to at least finish school before he pulls me down. It's going to be really hard on both of us, that's the part that he doesn't realize. I'm still so fucking excited though. Australia. Jeeez. There I'll probably have some friggin motivation to exercise...bathing suits, warm weather...good lord, I'm nutz. True, I'll be far away from home, but everyone will be, and it will be easier to deal with it that way. I did fine in Germany, and I know I'll be all right there too. Like my brother said, there's a time when everyone has to leave home, and this is my time. I'm far to dependent on what my parents think of me, and running to them for comfort when I feel that I fuck up, not to mention that my Dad depresses me because he doesn't mean to, but sometimes he makes me feel like my life is leading into a brick wall, like I'm doing nothing with it. Oh well, whatever the case. I'm so fucking psyched. Weeehaw!-weakerthanu

I got so pisse...

I got so pissed off when out of no where I gained 7 pounds in one day that I just cut everything out, all the different meal plans and went back to one meal a day, it's the only way I can truly regulate what I'm eating. So right now I'm doing three tablespoons of rice a day, and I'll continue to do that for 2 weeks until I have my body regulated.After that I'll probably increase the caloric intake to somewhere between 300-500 calories a day.I took some drastic measures in that I destroyed my meal card, so that's not even an option at this point. I would have done so earlier, but my meal card is also my student ID card, so I was always wondering what I'd so, I couldn't cut it...so I finally just destroyed the bar on the back that they always scanned before I would go eat, so I can still use the card to identify myself, just not to eat. Bonus!I also put away my scale because it was causing such terrible mood swings based entirely on a pound. I couldn't handle that, you know? So I just put it away in a hard to reach spot that I know I'm too lazy to always uncover. Anyway, I'm busying myself today with college research, as I'm looking to transfer my ass outta here soon, I hate it. Later.

W...

Well, this is it. I'm starting a fast. I have no other choice at this point. I'm going to stave myself until I am 130, and/or have a 25 inch waist line. I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster. I'm out for now, and I'm verrrrry pissed off.

Ok, well yes...

Ok, well yesterday I fucked up...binged and purged, I was just freaking out because my weight had not dropped, despite fasting. I have a feeling though, that fasting is not the key here, rather, restricting and exercising daily is the trick. I ran this morning and (magically) dropped 2 pounds.I think my scale is a lunatic. Oh well.Today I'm going to a vegan potluck tonight, and I think what I'll do is allow myself 100 calories for that, so I can nibble on random things without anyone noticing. I pray that they don't force me to eat, they can't. They can only make me eat by manipulating my emotions, and I refuse to let them! All right, off to class...I'm late. Adios.

So...

Sooooo...yesterday totally SUCKED MY ASS...but today we're on recovery...I've mapped out the plan and reset the goal, which is now 130 by April 12th. Here it goesMarch 26th - 142 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEMarch 27th - 142 Pounds 500 (Laxative)March 28th - 141 Pounds 300March 29th - 141 Pounds 500March 30th - 140 Pounds 300March 31st - 139 Pounds 500April 1st - 138 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 2nd - 137 Pounds 500 April 3rd - 137 Pounds *Fast* (Laxative)April 4th - 136 Pounds 300 April 5th - 135 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 6th - 134 Pounds 500 April 7th - 134 Pounds 300 April 8th - 134 Pounds 1000April 9th - 133 Pounds *Fast* GOAL DATEApril 10th - 132 Pounds 500 (Laxative) April 11th - 131 Pounds 300 April 12th - 130 Pounds *Fast* FINAL GOALOkay, so there's the lineup...the weights charted in between are merely guidelines, so I can figure about where I will be at. I don't know if this is totally possible, since usually you lose one pound per day only if you fast, but we'll see how this goes. Yeeehawwww

Only...

Only 2 pounds to lose today - I can do this, I HAVE to do this. I'm still at 144, and feeling worse than ever. I'm gladly going to fast today, hope I don't fall asleep in Enviro Policy--I tend to do that quite easily when I'm tired. Ahhhhhh, good coffee. I'll drink my to liters of fluids and a few cups of coffee and tea today, than I'll be set. I don't want to over hydrate my body (yes it's possible). I'm debating whether or not I should weigh myself tonight.Ok, let me think, if I do, and I'm 144, I will totally freak and by the end of the day depression sets in if my weight doesn't go down, so I'll just turn to more food, and I know that Kyle would readily supply food, even if it's after take-out has closed. Argh, I hate nice friends (kidding). So ok, I'm going to decide right here and now--NO WEIGH IN TONIGHT! I will weigh in tomorrow night with a goal of 141 pounds, I know that this is possible. As for exercise tonight, I'll do some crazy stair running, because it snowed outside.Later--