Ok, well today...

Ok, well today I came to a realization I have been stupidly denying, and that is the fact that I can't miraculously lose huge amounts of weight in a short amount of time, unless of course, I include exercise, which I hate.The problem with looking at weight perse is that it's very deceiving. If you're a difference of 7 pounds from one day to the next. that's not FAT you've lost. That's either water or waste or some other inexplicable reason. Maybe your scale just sucks, but that's now real weight! Maybe 1 pound of it is, (if you've been fasting and restricting and such).So anyway, when I would get on my scale and see two pounds difference from one day to the next I'd get all excited and actually think that was some sort of weight loss I could maintain. WrongFuck I'm stupid sometimes, I swear. I just didn't want to realize the fact that a pound is a pound is 3500 calores. So I worked out a more realistic view of how long it's going to take me to get down to 130. I need this so that I don't resort ot petty dependency on my emotions and then to binging/purging. That's so stupid. I don't want to destroy myself, just contine losing weight. So anyway, here's the deal.I, being 6'2" expend around 1800-2000 calories a day (and if it's more, than so be it, but I'm going to stick with this figure). I lower it a bit more to 1750 because that's a good number to choose and work with . 1750 is half a pound. So if I restrict to 500 calories a day (which is so pathetically easy it makes me laugh), then I will lose the 13 pounds I need to lose in 30 days. So that puts me at around May 6th, just in time for the end of the semester and the beginning of the summer (bathing suits!) to be slimmer. I haven't eaten yet today. Well, I had a glass of metamucil because I need some friggin regularity. I would just not spend the 11 dollars needed for some stupid Psyllium hulks (metamucil) to "bulken" up my diet, but I cross-checked with "real" soluble fiber, things like barly, oatmeal, rice, soy, and wheat, and pease mind you...and I can't get the same amount of dietary fiber out of those (in ratio to their calorie content). Metamucil is 3 grams fiber to 45 calories. I someone knows of a better ratio obtainable in normal foods, please email me at weakerthanu@gmx.net Anyway, I'm off to do some work now, and I have a realistic view point on my weight loss so I know my emotions will be much more in check from now on. I'm out

Ok, ...

Ok, well I'm kind of sort of pissed because I'm at 144 right now, and I was 143 yesterday, despite the fact that I ate a lot more yesterday. I'm not having any bowel movements either, so I know that weight is there, but still I feel fat. I'm going to fast this weekend, and it will be good for me especially since I'm working, so I know the temptation of food will have cut off. I have to get into this fucking ana mentality all the way. I keep having it for the blink of an eye. Where I just hate food no matter how "hungry" I am. Now food is still attractive to me. Tonight I had a sub with lettuce and mustard (500 cals), and I had the bowl of nuts and seeds earlier. So I had a lot cals today. I'm going to fast this weekend though. That's what I like the most about fasting, is there are no concessions to make. When I allow myself food I always try to rationalize it in my mind, like earlier I allowed myself the seeds because I wanted fiber so I could have a bowel movement, but I disregarded the calories in there. Big mistake. With the sub, well, that was supposed to be my food for tomorrow, and I just had a little of it to appease those around me, and then when I put in the fridge I had a craving to eat the rest of it, so I did. I felt terrible after that. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my weight. Why can't I just lose weight?!?!?!?!My boyfriend had a good suggestion against binges tonight though, that of going to bed earlier, which is actually a really good idea. I had gotten into that habit a few weeks ago and then I got back into the habit of procrastinating and that all went to hell again.So tomorrow I'll make a conscious effort to get to bed early, and I will not go to brunch, because I know that if I do I'll just end up binging/purging, and I don't want that. What triggers the binges a lot of the time are just times of boredom, when I have nothing better to do, and my mind just drifts to food. Or I'll be planning out what I can and can't eat, and just seeing recipes and all that makes my mouth water. I have to learn that food is sick and disgusting, not something of temptation. I have to learn to hate it. Hopefully also the vegan outlook will help out a bit...no icecream for me!!! Woohoo! I'll just think of poor fat cows with swollen udders and then I know I won't be able to have dairy stuff like cheese and cream. I know this fast is going to be hard, but I'm going to break myself with this one, I am going to force myself to hate food.I think I'm going to have some frequent updates over the next few days.