Ok, ...

Ok, well I'm kind of sort of pissed because I'm at 144 right now, and I was 143 yesterday, despite the fact that I ate a lot more yesterday. I'm not having any bowel movements either, so I know that weight is there, but still I feel fat. I'm going to fast this weekend, and it will be good for me especially since I'm working, so I know the temptation of food will have cut off. I have to get into this fucking ana mentality all the way. I keep having it for the blink of an eye. Where I just hate food no matter how "hungry" I am. Now food is still attractive to me. Tonight I had a sub with lettuce and mustard (500 cals), and I had the bowl of nuts and seeds earlier. So I had a lot cals today. I'm going to fast this weekend though. That's what I like the most about fasting, is there are no concessions to make. When I allow myself food I always try to rationalize it in my mind, like earlier I allowed myself the seeds because I wanted fiber so I could have a bowel movement, but I disregarded the calories in there. Big mistake. With the sub, well, that was supposed to be my food for tomorrow, and I just had a little of it to appease those around me, and then when I put in the fridge I had a craving to eat the rest of it, so I did. I felt terrible after that. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my weight. Why can't I just lose weight?!?!?!?!My boyfriend had a good suggestion against binges tonight though, that of going to bed earlier, which is actually a really good idea. I had gotten into that habit a few weeks ago and then I got back into the habit of procrastinating and that all went to hell again.So tomorrow I'll make a conscious effort to get to bed early, and I will not go to brunch, because I know that if I do I'll just end up binging/purging, and I don't want that. What triggers the binges a lot of the time are just times of boredom, when I have nothing better to do, and my mind just drifts to food. Or I'll be planning out what I can and can't eat, and just seeing recipes and all that makes my mouth water. I have to learn that food is sick and disgusting, not something of temptation. I have to learn to hate it. Hopefully also the vegan outlook will help out a bit...no icecream for me!!! Woohoo! I'll just think of poor fat cows with swollen udders and then I know I won't be able to have dairy stuff like cheese and cream. I know this fast is going to be hard, but I'm going to break myself with this one, I am going to force myself to hate food.I think I'm going to have some frequent updates over the next few days.